Again, a post directed at just some of my readers. For my other readers bear with me – I am making some changes and this is part of the transition. In the spirit of continuing to be openly and honestly document my adventure, I am posting this here. Usual transmission with extra awesome will be returning after this.
To My 12WBT Queensland Crew
Hello lovelies! I’d like to express how very proud I am of the Queensland Crew – of each you individually and as a team. There is something incredibly special and empowering about this group we have created. It is something to cherish and protect. I believe that when women stop comparing & competing and start lifting one another to a more empowered position in which they can take their own action toward their goals is when magic happens. I have said that before to this group in various ways and I believe it with all my heart. Over the last year or so I have been privileged to increasingly spend time with other women who share this same conviction.
I draw tremendous encouragement from the actions of this group – we can make a difference and it starts inside each of us. I have had time to reflect. For 18 months I have been a ‘reluctant leader’ of this team up until this point. Like always in my life, I found myself in a position of leadership that I did not actively seek out. I have been determined for a while now to shake off & throw out ALL of “The Old Ange” however I have realised that there are bits that are worth keeping and accepting. No throwing the baby out with the bath water!
There are bits that I actually need to pick up and step more fully into else I will just keep struggling. This is part of my current challenge. I’ve got my head around eating clean & training – that’s locked in but this mindset stuff is where I am working hard. I have made huge progress but am a work in progress, we all are.
I have always *just* wanted to help people. That’s all I want to do – with every fibre of my being. Throughout my life the story has been on repeat – I have wanted to help people to the point that it causes me pain & harm. Over the last year I’ve allowed myself at times to become drained. That was my doing – not the act of others. I own that 100%. I’ve enabled energy vampirism; allowed others to plug on in and suck away. That is not sustainable for them or me. It helps NO ONE.
It’s been grinding me but I’ve figured it out why. It’s been grinding on me because I believe in empowerment – helping others to find their own sustainable solutions (in this 12WBT context and beyond in my personal and professional life). Not to spoon feed or prop up. I’ve figured out how to do things differently: smarter, better and sustainably. How to ground my energy, stand still, focus and be able to help by delivering 100% of me rather than scrambling to keep up. I have also come to the point of understanding and acceptance of who I am and what I want to do with this short life we get. Finally! After 37 years and after slamming myself into the wall so often! To this is end, I will no longer be a ‘reluctant leader’ of this team. I will step up and lead willingly. This, ironically, will take less time & energy than what I have been doing! Ha! I will encourage others to step up more to lead as well so we give this team a more solid foundation that will lead to longevity and sustainability. Like I said – this team is something special to be cherished and protected. What started out as ‘just 12 weeks’ has become a long term thing and I would love to see this group continue to evolve & persist into the future. I would love for this team to continue provide acceptance and support regardless of whether someone is a current 12WBT member or not. Once a Queensland Crew member, always a member.
I really appreciate that I can be honest with this team. I have a bit to get off my chest so this honest post using my blog & the group are the best platforms to do this. My ‘journey’ has been unexpectedly and accidentally public. Very public over the last 18 months! You know how hard this ‘journey’ to lose weight etc is without the additional things I have said yes to. I need to be smarter about it. I entered the 12WBT with the spirit of being open to anything and everything. To saying “yes” to anything – this was helpful. I never expected it to unfold the way it has… at times it has blown my mind in good & bad ways! I don’t regret one moment or decision. It’s all part of my adventure to bring me to where I need to be. I am so much stronger now than ever before – my lessons were far beyond weight loss and fitness. And the adventure continues!
Like taking on a leadership role, I have resisted this ‘public’ stuff and resisted the ‘inspirational’ tag that gets used. I have really, really struggled with it. Stating this may surprise some of you but I’ve squished that down, internalized it and tried to push on. I have tried to stay open and say “yes”. It’s not easy to share your story and photos in a gut-wrenchingly honest way, some of you know this just as well as I do. Some of you have experienced the hurt & nastiness that results. The price you pay for sharing. Everything has a cost / consequence. The motivation for sharing my story & allowing the public stuff is not attention seeking or showing off. Christ – if I wanted to show off or seek attention I would be doing it in other ways, let me promise you that! Those who make that type of comment about anyone’s before / after pics really don’t get it. They have a long way to go in that case and that’s their journey to navigate. It would have been far easier for me to drop the 40kg, stay private and go on my merry way. But that was not how my adventure was meant to go! I have zero regrets but have learnt plenty!
What drives me is this burning desire to help people that I have had since a young age and I don’t fully understand “how” I can fulfill that yet but it’s coming together. I just know what I need to do next: be honest, speak my mind and step fully into who I am. The leadership role, the inspirational tag and the public stuff is not going to go away…. So I have accepted it and I am stepping fully into that. I won’t waste energy resisting and fighting it anymore.
I am not someone who has all the answers. It’s not ‘easier’ for me. I am not to be put on some pedestal as some all knowing person who has it totally sussed. That grinds me sooo hard when someone thinks I somehow have a magical answer – because I feel that by those thoughts they are disempowering themselves. They are crippling themselves. That burns me badly. I want everyone to shine. Everyone has it in them to be the best version of themself. They can do exactly what I have done. It’s not magic. I am no fucking guru. I am no fucking oracle. I don’t know it all. I don’t know all the answers.
The scientist in me has this approach to life: “I don’t know the answer to that, but let’s find out!” This is a core part of my personal approach to life and my teaching philosophy in my professional life. It’s part of who I am hard wired to be.
I guess *if* I did have a secret than this would be it: curiosity.
Curiosity plus the ability to say “I don’t know” and the guts and determination to find seek the answers & act on that information – and now to share that honestly and publicly with you. Now I also have the guts to accept my position as ‘inspirational’ and one of a number of ‘leaders’ of our Queensland Crew.